being first prime
by mardoc
Summary: Complete insania involving Teal'c's duties as first prime to a half mad twat of a god
1. Default Chapter

Teal'c yawned and sat up to receive the breakfast tray being handed to him by the human slave. Yum innocent alien sausages and some very rare Asgard pate (the first prime only had the best). After eating he sighed happily remembering that as it was a new month he could flip over his pin up calendar and, flipping it to this months picture he saw a grinning Hathor in a very skimpy bikini. Teal'c cursed maybe he would get the Anubis dance of the seven veils next month; damn that Jaffa law that forbade skipping forward through calendars.

Teal'c was deciding that he would definitely buy the dancing symbiote calendar next year when he saw that tomorrow was marked with a huge star meaning it was an intergalactically important day. Disaster, it was Apophis's birthday tomorrow! Damn, the one time in the year his stupid master remembered what day it was and Teal'c hadn't bought him a present.He would have to go to Chulac today and get him a one. The question was what did you buy the man who had everything; or more accurately the question was what did you buy a lipstick covered, snake headed bimbo of a god, Apophis had over one million hairbrushes, five hundred bottles of perfume, three hundred packets of gold lipstick and half a mothership full of designer gold and silver clothes.

As Teal'c was putting on the last of his huge armored outfit and pondering what to get for him, Apophis's face popped up on the screen. 'Teal'c I command you to come to my room immediately I wish to discuss something with you.' He demanded. Teal'c obliged and swiftly took the rings to his masters room.

When Teal'c walked into the main chamber he saw his god lying naked on his huge silken bed being photographed by someone from 'goodbye' the universe's most popular magazine.

'Em master why exactly are you allowing pictures of you naked to be publicized all over the known galaxy?' Teal'c asked carefully.

'It is my birthday interview and they thought me naked would definitely bring the punters in.' Apophis answered grinning at the camera and Teal'c sighed.

'You want me my lord.' He commented weaily,

'TEAL'C what an absurd suggestion slap yourself for suggesting it!' Apophis said in outrage blushing a little. Teal'c shook his head in exasperation,

'No No my lord I meant you wished to see me.' Teal'c said very slowly.

'Oh yes I remember. I called you to tell you about my birthday party arrangements.' Teal'c inwardly groaned, last year Apophis had made Teal'c and seven Jaffa re-enact swan lake and Teal'c dreaded putting on that and tutu again.

'I'll go and get the palace guard fitted with leotards then my lord.' 'No No No Teal'c I wish a special party this year one like they have on that stupid planet Earth with celebrities and dancing floors. Well go on then the transport is waiting.' Teal'c bowed and left happily this planet sounded like a cakewalk and he was certain that this would not involve a thong this year.....  
  
End of chapter one go to the next chapter you know you want to.....


	2. Being First Prime part 2

Teal'c looked around his surroundings carefully-this world was certainly one of the oddest ones he had come across. He Brata'c and two other Jaffa were standing in the middle of what they saw was a retail establishment but nothing like they had ever seen before. For a start everything was pink-the floors; the walls; the doors even the shop windows had pink tints- obviously these humans enjoyed the colour. He began to think- as people began looking at him strangely as he stood there in his armor clutching his staff weapon-maybe he should have worn pink to better blend in to the environment.

His brow furrowed as he scanned the shops for one with clothes. He spied one that read Theador and 'Enre's house of style hmm... that sounded like a clothes shop. When they entered Brata'c gave Teal'c a sidelong look,

"Are you sure about this?" he asked carefully as he saw the racks of sparkling sequins and varying shades of fluffy coats. The whole shop was packed with shrieking laughter from two men who were talking to every customer they saw. They approached Teal'c and his Jaffa, one was blonde and one had black hair with pink tips. The blonde squealed with delight upon seeing Teal'c and his Jaffa, "HI!" he said grinning wildly "I'm 'Enre and this is Theador we own the shop." "Obviously your name is the shop do I look like a fool!" Teal'c snapped causing poor 'Enre to jump back and scarper away.

When he had safely retreated into the conversation of a distressed looking man with wrong sized pink sparkly boots, Theador turned to Teal'c, "Sorry about him he just goes on and on. So I can tell your first time buyers what exactly are you looking for?" Teal'c surveyed the shop and told Theador to pick something for all of them. Theador looked at the six giant men dubiously.

"Are you sure you all want outfits?" Teal'c pulled one of the huge wads of cash his master had somehow obtained and Theador's look of doubt disappeared, "Of course you're sure come on we'll take a look at your sizes." and he dragged Teal'c and his Jaffa into the changing area.

About an hour later the Jaffa stepped out of the shop clothed in the finest clothes Theodor could find in size XXXL. Teal'c looked down upon his pink sequinned knee-highs and tight leather pants and sighed 'maybe he should have opted for a less demanding career, for example a cart pusher in the naquadria mines...'. The jaffa surveyed their surroundings and quickly located a food section. They would need to test the food they chose for the party so they sat down awkwardly on the tiny green chairs not built to accommodate jaffa behinds.

It was barely five seconds before one of the more weighty jaffa broke his sending him and the rest of the jaffa into gales of laughter, dismissing this childish behaviour Teal'c and Brata'c examined their surroundings. Teal'c noticed to his surprise that there were a surprising amount of men holding hands and very few couples here. Perhaps Brata'c suggested this was merely an earth custom some planets had some very odd customs. Teal'c nodded remembering a strange planet where men were required to wear hats of live wild rabbits while courting a woman who had to wear nothing but a strange fruit hat and an old rug, on reflection this was actually not so weird but still...

"Em excuse me you wanna order or just stare into space all day?" Teal'c's thoughts were interrupted by their waitress. Teal'c furrowed his brow at her, she was an average sized girl with short pink hair and earrings galore, she had a bored expression on her face as she waited patiently for the Jaffa to make up their minds.

"I am not familiar with the delicacies of this world please recommend." Teal'c asked politely. She raised her brow for a second and then sighed in realization she hated these strange gaylien cult people they always started fights.

"Em perhaps," she said patronizingly "The people of your world might enjoy some burgers?" Teal'c nodded and ordered them all burgers. As he handed the menu back to the waitress he leant forward to question her, "Tell me why are there men holding hands and kissing here?" The waitress obviously confused commented,

"Well I assume because they are together and like each other." she said very slowly. Teal'c's face was full of shock, "What?" he roared "My god would never accept this it is disgraceful..." as Teal'c continued on this vein the waitress backed off grabbing her radio, "Security this is Sharly from the Rotor Cafe we have those crazy Born Again Christians here again emergency assistance please." she murmured.

Within 60 seconds Teal'c and the Jaffa were being manhandled by about ten muscled guards in pink SECURITY uniforms. They were taken out the back door, after of course a severe kicking from the security and other passing people screaming "mad oppressors" "Religious nutters" and so on. And as a final humiliation they were stripped of their new clothes and thrown out. Teal'c groaned and rolling over onto his front let loose a small curse in Jaffa,

"I decree that from now on never shall a Jaffa enter" he looked up at the sign "The Gay Mall" he declared as he looked at the defeated Jaffa "It is obviously home to Earth's most fearsome warriors"


End file.
